i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Randomize