Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Just saw 2 very young girls abandon baby buggys in the Xwalk to fight. Gotta love Holyoke.
Four minutes until I can fart!
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
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