Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
