dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
