I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
