If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
