I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
