You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
