I want you more than these girls want KFC
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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