this beer tastes like vomit already
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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