Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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