her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Randomize
