Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Randomize
