Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Randomize
