How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
So much rum. So many feels.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
