i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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