he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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