Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
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