watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
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