Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
