i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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