ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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