Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
