There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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