ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
