im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
