I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
