The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
