I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
He felt like a one man threesome
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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