The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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