Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
