Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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