My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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