I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Randomize
