Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
