I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
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