don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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