The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize