Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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