I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
