We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
