No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
a search helicopter?!
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Randomize
