My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
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