so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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