I'm pants shitting drunk right now
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Terrible idea I love it
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize