I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
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