Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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