I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
