So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
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