The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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