i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize