I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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