According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
