she woke up with a sticky ear
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
