Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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