be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
