i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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