And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
