she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
